It's not as bad as it may sound but, it certainly feels like an abyss. The preparation is over, I have arrived at my starting point. My cousin Mary's house, in San Diego. I am so grateful to her for opening her home and her heart to me, she has made it a safe place for me to explore. Now what? Where do I begin?
I must start with this hiccup, upon arrival my car begins to make a loud noise and the repair leaves me with very little money to travel with. This sets the tone of the journey, I recognize it as an opportunity to trust in God to provide for me and guide me. I don't let it bother me for a while but, it rears its ugly head as bits of doubt, now and then. After allowing myself a couple of days to settle in, I'm feeling like I should be doing something but, I'm not quite sure what. At this point I'm feeling a bit disconnected so, I venture off to explore metaphysical bookstores and check out Balboa park. I bring two of my bowls with me. The best part of the day was just being in the park, feeling the joy of playing my crystal bowls again, connecting with the trees and my heart. It was an affirmation for the feeling I have been having to just be, do what you feel like doing , not what you think you should be doing. The doing part, checking out the bookstores, didn't amount to anything and it didn't feel that great doing it either. I'm getting it, follow your joy and all else will unfold. Also at this time, I connected with an aquaintance I had met at Shakti Fest in May of 2015, he suggest I try Dance Church in Encinitas and Swami's park afterward. It sounds awesome, definitely something I would enJOY and I did, it was an awesome experience and I continue to enjoy it each week.
Basically, I have been on a roller coaster, (its too much to share here) struggling with the doer and the non-doer, how to be in my heart center, care for myself, practice/play with my gift, and move forward in "living my purpose". This is the abyss, which way to turn, what next? Just thinking like this, suggest doership, where is the line? OH Mama MIa!!! So I created my own little retreat again, I didnt go anywhere for two days. I gave myself permission to feel whatever I was feeling (this part was huge for me) and I stopped trying to figure things out. By the end of this, I felt reconnected with my divine soul again and feeling ready to be in the flow of life. However, this feeling didn't last for long.
I am grateful for all the bread crumbs on my path thus far; some opened doors, some closed doors and some provided lessons. This part of my journey feels like a preparation time for the journey ahead in 2016. I laugh, the journey doesn't look anything like I thought it would BUT, I expected that, I have learned that one already, ha ha! I had many amazing experiences, most of which are about the joy of being, including: exploring Ocean Beach without a plan and enjoying being with myself, walking on the beach, singing on the beach, Dance Church, drumming, dancing and singing at Swami's Park, watching the sunset over the ocean, connecting with the pine trees at Torrey Pines, Hare Krishna Festival, meeting many wonderful, happy people, meditating in Yoganada's garden. These are all things I have found tremendous joy in.
Like I said it has been a rollercoaster, although I have been feeling better and following my joy, feelings of inadequacy are creeping up. I couldn't even really describe what it is until now. I had the distinct feeling that whatever it is, it will hold me back. This feeling is so subtle, I'm not sure what is going on. I just stayed aware and open to recieve. I asked for clarity and God put people and events in my life at the perfect time to help me see what is lingering deep inside. Finally, in meditation and conversation with my Divine Soul and inner child it was revealed to me. I share this with you because you may have a similar experience. I am afraid to accept myself for fear of persecution and this is mirrored by others appearing not to accept me. Persecution is something I experienced in many lifetimes and it had a deep hold on me. I assure my self I have transcended persecution and chose love as my experience.
I have been here 21days. The journey thus far is about taking the first steps to living in my joy, in the present moment. and trusting God is everpresent.