The Choice

November 11, 2015

 

How did I make the decision?  How did I know?  What made me want to give up what I had established and change my life into a nomadic journey?

 

I will tell you, it felt like it turned on a dime.  In reality, the universe was giving me what I asked for, just not how I was expecting it, of course.  I returned to Phoenix after a month long visit to Pennsylvania. To my surprise I began feeling fearful as I arrived in Pheonix and I couldn't shake it. I felt like I was starting over again. This feeling stayed with me all night. I was grateful to be spending the night with my friend Colette, she is a pillar of strength for me. I still had the feeling with me the next day. I almost felt like giving up, tail between my legs, back to PA. I couldn't bare being in a fearful state again. I truly felt I had transcended the fear around starting over prior to my visit home and here I am feeling it again. What is this about???

 

In addition to this, I was already feeling a motherly tug. My son was transitioning to college and I really felt he needed me there to support him. This was the only reason I didn't want to leave PA. My thought was, if I didn't have to pay rent I could just stay longer. There was the feeling of being trapped by the need to make money, hmmm.

 

So I return to my residence only to hear the news, my roomate/landlord is moving to California. She was leaving the next day for a week in search of a residence and a job in California.  She planned to move th following month. I'm really feeling disconnected at this point, in limbo. I later find out my Grandmother was placed in hospice care and my niece is not responding to her cancer treatment, both are in PA. My family is wanting me to come back. At this point everything in my life has changed, poof!

 

I really was in limbo. I decided to have my own private retreat. I stayed home and went within for 3 days, in all the various ways I do that. I knew all of this at once was pointing at something for me. It hit me early on but, I needed to process it; "give it all up, you still are not free to go where you want to go, you are still bound by material needs/desires, give it up,  you don't need it, its time to travel, its time to be free." This was huge! What? really? already? like this? The longer I sat with it the more right it felt. I spent the next day or two being quiet, caring for myself, and immersed myself in the book "Codes of Light",  without thinking about this big change. Then when I felt restored and centered, I revisited my conclusion and felt "light". I felt expansive when I thought or talked about it. 

 

The plan evolved from there. I sold most of my belongings and the rest went into a small storage unit. My plan was to go back to PA for a couple of months, return to Phoenix the beginning of October then, prepare for a journey to California. The key for me was the sense of knowingness that came, I didn't allow myself to think it through, I could feel it, 

in the core of my being.  All I can do now,

is trust the unfoldment of my journey.

 

 

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